muhasabah diri :')

bismillahirrahmanirrahim . . . .

tajuk hari ni pasal muhasabah diri.. sebab ape? umm sebab keadaan aku yang sekarang ni .. tak tau kenapa akhir2 ni diri rasa lemah sangat. oh hati..tenanglah.. bila kita susah.. ingat orang sekeliling yang lagi susah.. bila kta sedih.. tgok orang keliling yang lagi sedih.. ye..aku tgah sdih skrang.. sgt2 sedih smpai aku ambik kputusan yang agak drastik yang tak pernah aku buat selama ni.. so to my beloved rummate, and my friends.. im so sorry for making all of you worried about me... its really the best choice that i think i need to do for now. dan tengah aku sedih2 ni.. aku pn terbaca la ukm confession.. ada satu confession ni yang betul2 menyentap hati aku.. kan da ckap.. bila kita sedih.. jgn trus jatuh.. ingat la ade orang yg lg brat dugaan nya dr ap yg kita alami sebab Allah menguji hambaNya mgikut kmampuan masing2.. so, be strong!

because . . .

and . . .

so kat sini aku kongsikan confession tu.. :)

"Sorry admin, panjang skit tp harap boleh jugak admin postkan kat page UKM Confessions. Tak mampu nak simpan lama2 lagi.

I was supposed to marry late 2011, it was a joyous celebration during our majlis pertunangan. Nobody was expecting me to have a fiance that is disabled. She, you see, is a blind person ever since little. A lot of people asked me, ""Why the heck do you want to marry a blind girl like her?"", some condemned us, some even look down on us. But heck, I dont give a damn care, its my decision, my girl, so just effing deal with it.

Remembering it now, it was a good time, both of us had fun being together despite she's a blind person. I dont care. We always take a stroll at the park, Seremban 2 Park is rather small and quiet but that helped create the nice mood for both of us. She would always listen to me as I describe to her how beautiful the landscape are, how large the lake are, the fishes, the birds chirping, everything. A great listener, she was.

That didnt last long though, our happiness was short-lived. It was 5pm, I was waiting for her infront of her house. I called her name, she came out. I told her, 'Today, we're going to the beach!'. She had been pestering me to bring her to the beach a few weeks before so I decided to bring her to PD. She was absolutely happy, her face was beaming with such radiance that I've never seen. I told to myself, 'Ahh, this is the face of the woman that I love. I hope it will last long until death do us part'.

Unbeknownst to us, a lorry was speeding (there was a construction for another taman besides her residence). I didnt realised it, and proceed to bring her to the car. I lead her and helped her to sit in my car at the passenger's seat. As soon as I entered my car, the lorry rammed us. The surroundings went dark.

As soon as I come into, I'm in the hospital. My mother beside me, crying. Happy that her son, finally awake. It was damn painful, and I realised that my leg is broken and I suffered a mild head injury that lead to a coma for 2 weeks. Then, that dreadful feeling came.

I asked my mom, 'Ummi, mana Farah?'. She went bewildered. 'Ummi, mana Farah?', I asked her again the same question. Until she finally said, 'Farah, dah meninggal. Dia suffered a severe head injury. It was beyond recovery'. 

I cried. I cried so hard. I cant accept the fact, the reality that my fiancee, my woman died. We promised to live together, to have two cute childrens in the future and I promised to myself that I'm going to shower her with love but it seems that, I cant do that for now. I cant even bring myself to forget that pristine face of her, that gorgeous smile of her, that soft feelings of her hands, the love that she showed towards me. It was so damn hard, so damn hard.

Tengah hari tadi, aku pergi kubur dia. Her grave is as beautiful as ever, someone has been taking care of it. Probably her family but I'm not sure. Fyi, today has been the 2nd year that I've lost her. Haha, omg, I'm crying. I cant stand this, sorry admin tp kene luahkan jugak. Rindu sangat kat tunang aku tu smpai sekarang. 

Farah Rasyidah binti Muhammad, I hope you can wait for me."

so guys, lets be grateful for what we have now and say Alhamdulillah :)